an adventure to remember and savor…
for years i have been wildly humbled by my financial situation, living with intense money shame and a scarcity mindset. recently, i have been learning how to become shame resilient and trump my scarcity default with gratitude. it has been excruciating sometimes. oftentimes. over the past year in my extreme tenderness i have opened to the gifts of my suffering, which i have experienced as the kindness of others. the money madness i inherited and have perpetuated has invited me to pray help, thanks, wow. and in this moment right now (this very one), i am trying to lean into faith that i will always receive what i need, and when chaos reigns, that i will be able to handle it. that i am not alone. that the legacy can be rewritten. that a new story is emerging.
“my default answer to everything is no. as soon as i hear the inflection of inquiry in your voice, the word no forms in my mind, sometimes accompanied by a reason, often not. can i open the mail? no. can i wear your necklace? no. when is dinner? no. what you probably wouldn’t believe is how much i want to say yes…i am your mother, the first mile of your road. me and all of my obvious and hidden limitations. that means that in addition to probably wrecking you, i have the chance to give you what was given to me: a decent childhood, more good memories than bad, some values, a sense of a tribe, a run at happiness. you can’t imagine how seriously i take that – even as i fail you. mothering you is the first thing of consequence that i have ever done.”
The Lost Daughter by Mary Williams
(an honest and hopeful memoir about family and self-discovery)